I Need Help

I need help. Those are hard words to admit. I've worked so hard to be strong, show little weakness, always be positive - abounding. I was careful to not be a burden - neglecting my own needs in order to make sure everyone else was happy. If they were happy, then I was doing a good job - and they would like me, right? However, I never felt secure - who would like ME for ME? If I can please you or help you, then maybe you'll see me as worth it and you won’t leave me. But if I fail; then, what’s the point of me?

Living in this place kept me afraid - afraid of rejection and failure - never good enough. It kept me always straining, never attaining. My strength was a mirage - looking together on the outside. But hidden safely within was a little girl - longing to be seen and heard - loved. She wanted to be free to dance and sing, to create and play. Carefree. Without a thought of who’s looking. But, she was too afraid to come out - the risk was too great, still remembering the hurt she hides. So she settles in the safety of good behavior and performing for acceptance - squelching any creativity or expression of her real self.

Beneath her layers of pretense and blankets of denial, there was One who knew her. He knew her all along. He hadn't forgotten or abandoned her. She was never beyond His reach. Her Maker saw her - when no one else could. He heard the cries of her broken heart. He loved her - every piece. And He whispers, "My Child, you can come out now. You are safe. You are Mine. You are fully loved just as you are - I adopted you."

Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.
Psalm 139:12-16

Though now I know my Abba is very fond of me, I still struggle with the same old doubts and fears. Though my perceptions do not change the reality that I am free and loved, walking in this truth takes practice. When faced with obstacles, it's easy to retreat instead of taking another step. Falling is painful, and getting back up is hard. What I've realized is that I wasn't created to walk alone; I need help. But I don’t want to need help. I don’t want to take time. I don’t want to reach out and ask. I still struggle with the thought: Am I worth it? There’s so many pieces - how will I ever be put back together? Won’t people get sick of me - disappointed, lose patience, reject me? What if I take a lot of time? What if I keep falling again and again? What if I’m slow? Will you stay with me? Will you still love me? I’m afraid to let you see the real me, afraid you won't like what you see, and you'll leave. Please don’t leave me. I promise I’ll try. I need you.

In my desperation, my Sweet Jesus comes to me, and whispers gently, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not fret, I will not hurt you. I will provide for all of your needs. Rest, my precious Child, you are loved.” His Voice calms me and peace rushes through me like refreshing waters. I am comforted and strengthened in His embrace with courage to just be - unedited me - alive in My Redeemer.