Driving, I am struck with the realization that I have tried to take control - again! Frustrated at myself, I ask God to help me to let go - to loosen my grasp and open my hands and heart to Him. Surrender. Why is it so hard? I have tried so hard to please God - carefully choosing my words and doing all the 'right' things - hoping He would approve. I never rested, always trying harder and doing more until I collapsed - exhausted, disillusioned, and burnt out. In my brokenness, Jesus comes and comforts me saying, "Rest, my Child, the work is done." His scars prove "It is finished."
What Good News! I don't have to keep straining to make God happy with me, living afraid that I won't be good enough. I am accepted as a Beloved daughter as I am! I am secure and safe in Him - free to live life ALIVE. I can rest. Jesus will complete the work He started in me. He proved my worth with His life - His Love is my foundation.
But anything new takes time to sink in - and I am so quick to perform for God, rather than trust in His work and His timing. Change takes time - it's a process, His process.
I reach my destination, still asking God to help me surrender. I load my bar - heavier than usual knowing my frustration - and anticipate the buzzer signaling to start. I lift hard and my Spirit is lifted.
In Olympic weight lifting, it's imperative to learn the correct technique before ever adding weight, and it takes practice. Once good form is established consistently, one is able to lift way more than ever thought possible. Thus, the only way to increase weight safely is by using good ergodynamics - always keeping the bar close to your core - where the power lies.
I remember my frustration with trying so hard to please God MY way, rather than resting in what Jesus did for me. Similar to trying to lift the weight by sheer effort, without good form, the lift just can't be completed. The risk for injury is also greater. When we try so hard to please God in our own strength, we end up burnt out. God's form is in trusting, not straining.
"Oh God, help me to trust in Your Love for me and surrender - again." I realize that He IS building a firm foundation for me in His Love so I can be free to live - not weighed down by heavy burdens. I can't handle the burdens of this life on my own - and I'm not meant to. So, I give them to Jesus and let Him carry them for me, and we walk together. This is His way. But, just like learning the proper form in weight lifting, learning to trust and surrender takes practice.
Building strength is a gradual process. To increase muscle mass, the body has to be under stress first, stimulating blood flow and nutrients to enter the muscle fibers. During this time the muscle doesn't get stronger, it's broken down. Then, while RESTING, the muscle becomes stronger.
Spiritually, our job is to REST in the work that Jesus already did. Trials come - leaving us broken down. In our brokenness, the Holy Spirit comforts and nurtures us in Truth, giving us rest, and making us stronger than we ever could have been on our own - for our strength is in Him.
“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Cor 12:9
Trust is a building process - so we have to give ourselves the same grace God gives us.
“To whom then will you liken Me,
Or to whom shall I be equal?” says the Holy One.
Lift up your eyes on high,
And see who has created these things,
Who brings out their host by number;
He calls them all by name,
By the greatness of His might
And the strength of His power;
Not one is missing.
Why do you say, O Jacob,
And speak, O Israel:
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
And my just claim is passed over by my God”?
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:25-31
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
I Need Help
I need help. Those are hard words to admit. I've worked so hard to be strong, show little weakness, always be positive - abounding. I was careful to not be a burden - neglecting my own needs in order to make sure everyone else was happy. If they were happy, then I was doing a good job - and they would like me, right? However, I never felt secure - who would like ME for ME? If I can please you or help you, then maybe you'll see me as worth it and you won’t leave me. But if I fail; then, what’s the point of me?
Living in this place kept me afraid - afraid of rejection and failure - never good enough. It kept me always straining, never attaining. My strength was a mirage - looking together on the outside. But hidden safely within was a little girl - longing to be seen and heard - loved. She wanted to be free to dance and sing, to create and play. Carefree. Without a thought of who’s looking. But, she was too afraid to come out - the risk was too great, still remembering the hurt she hides. So she settles in the safety of good behavior and performing for acceptance - squelching any creativity or expression of her real self.
Beneath her layers of pretense and blankets of denial, there was One who knew her. He knew her all along. He hadn't forgotten or abandoned her. She was never beyond His reach. Her Maker saw her - when no one else could. He heard the cries of her broken heart. He loved her - every piece. And He whispers, "My Child, you can come out now. You are safe. You are Mine. You are fully loved just as you are - I adopted you."
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.
Psalm 139:12-16
Though now I know my Abba is very fond of me, I still struggle with the same old doubts and fears. Though my perceptions do not change the reality that I am free and loved, walking in this truth takes practice. When faced with obstacles, it's easy to retreat instead of taking another step. Falling is painful, and getting back up is hard. What I've realized is that I wasn't created to walk alone; I need help. But I don’t want to need help. I don’t want to take time. I don’t want to reach out and ask. I still struggle with the thought: Am I worth it? There’s so many pieces - how will I ever be put back together? Won’t people get sick of me - disappointed, lose patience, reject me? What if I take a lot of time? What if I keep falling again and again? What if I’m slow? Will you stay with me? Will you still love me? I’m afraid to let you see the real me, afraid you won't like what you see, and you'll leave. Please don’t leave me. I promise I’ll try. I need you.
In my desperation, my Sweet Jesus comes to me, and whispers gently, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not fret, I will not hurt you. I will provide for all of your needs. Rest, my precious Child, you are loved.” His Voice calms me and peace rushes through me like refreshing waters. I am comforted and strengthened in His embrace with courage to just be - unedited me - alive in My Redeemer.
Living in this place kept me afraid - afraid of rejection and failure - never good enough. It kept me always straining, never attaining. My strength was a mirage - looking together on the outside. But hidden safely within was a little girl - longing to be seen and heard - loved. She wanted to be free to dance and sing, to create and play. Carefree. Without a thought of who’s looking. But, she was too afraid to come out - the risk was too great, still remembering the hurt she hides. So she settles in the safety of good behavior and performing for acceptance - squelching any creativity or expression of her real self.
Beneath her layers of pretense and blankets of denial, there was One who knew her. He knew her all along. He hadn't forgotten or abandoned her. She was never beyond His reach. Her Maker saw her - when no one else could. He heard the cries of her broken heart. He loved her - every piece. And He whispers, "My Child, you can come out now. You are safe. You are Mine. You are fully loved just as you are - I adopted you."
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.
Psalm 139:12-16
Though now I know my Abba is very fond of me, I still struggle with the same old doubts and fears. Though my perceptions do not change the reality that I am free and loved, walking in this truth takes practice. When faced with obstacles, it's easy to retreat instead of taking another step. Falling is painful, and getting back up is hard. What I've realized is that I wasn't created to walk alone; I need help. But I don’t want to need help. I don’t want to take time. I don’t want to reach out and ask. I still struggle with the thought: Am I worth it? There’s so many pieces - how will I ever be put back together? Won’t people get sick of me - disappointed, lose patience, reject me? What if I take a lot of time? What if I keep falling again and again? What if I’m slow? Will you stay with me? Will you still love me? I’m afraid to let you see the real me, afraid you won't like what you see, and you'll leave. Please don’t leave me. I promise I’ll try. I need you.
In my desperation, my Sweet Jesus comes to me, and whispers gently, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not fret, I will not hurt you. I will provide for all of your needs. Rest, my precious Child, you are loved.” His Voice calms me and peace rushes through me like refreshing waters. I am comforted and strengthened in His embrace with courage to just be - unedited me - alive in My Redeemer.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Jesus in the Struggle
We sat in a circle. I felt uneasy with only one familiar face, weighed down by a heaviness in the room - but maybe it was just my own. I was sitting among the hurting and broken, the lost and forsaken, the messy and struggling, young and old alike. All in different places and stages of recovery. Sitting there, with my heavy baggage on my lap, I listened. When my turn to share approached, I was freaking out inside. I passed - I could barely breathe, let alone put two thoughts together. All my walls went up to guard and protect myself - but those are the very walls that keep me alone - untouchable. “Oh God, please help me.”
I listened to the real stories, of lives and hearts shattered. I felt some compassion, but my inner Pharisee rose up in me - I didn’t want to be in this group. I didn’t want to be associated with the messy, struggling - I am strong, free from all of the hurts and pains of the world - and I wanted to put my mask on and say "all is well." I didn’t want to hear about all the struggles - I wanted redemption stories - and yes, they were there, but still with struggles. In my heart, I asked God, “really?! Is THIS what you have for us? Oh God, how long? Does the pain last forever? When do the struggles end? I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m scared.”
My ungrateful, proud, too good for this, ugly all came out. And I just said, “God, I’m sorry. Help me be honest and not think I’m too good for You, cause You are right HERE in the midst of us - in the faces of all of these beautiful women. And my turn came back around, and I shared exactly where I was - my desire to pretend and look good on the outside, the mask I struggle to remove, the walls that surround me, my shame for needing help, like it's all my fault and I'm not good enough, and my difficulty to even admit that I struggle. And from there, I shared my heart with the courage God provided - bringing darkness to light.
“But everything exposed by the light becomes visible - and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” Ephesians 5:13
“If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” 1 John 1:6-8
I left with that gut-wrenching, uneasy feeling. “God, why? Why’s my life such a wreck? Why does everything come the hard way for me?” He answered - with only His Presence, His embrace, and that’s enough for me. “I wish You, Jesus, could just hold me all day long. I just want to hear Your heartbeat and never leave Your chest. May my heart beat with Yours. Change me and give me Your tenderness and compassion. Heal my broken heart and please never let me go.”
I listened to the real stories, of lives and hearts shattered. I felt some compassion, but my inner Pharisee rose up in me - I didn’t want to be in this group. I didn’t want to be associated with the messy, struggling - I am strong, free from all of the hurts and pains of the world - and I wanted to put my mask on and say "all is well." I didn’t want to hear about all the struggles - I wanted redemption stories - and yes, they were there, but still with struggles. In my heart, I asked God, “really?! Is THIS what you have for us? Oh God, how long? Does the pain last forever? When do the struggles end? I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m scared.”
My ungrateful, proud, too good for this, ugly all came out. And I just said, “God, I’m sorry. Help me be honest and not think I’m too good for You, cause You are right HERE in the midst of us - in the faces of all of these beautiful women. And my turn came back around, and I shared exactly where I was - my desire to pretend and look good on the outside, the mask I struggle to remove, the walls that surround me, my shame for needing help, like it's all my fault and I'm not good enough, and my difficulty to even admit that I struggle. And from there, I shared my heart with the courage God provided - bringing darkness to light.
“But everything exposed by the light becomes visible - and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” Ephesians 5:13
“If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” 1 John 1:6-8
I left with that gut-wrenching, uneasy feeling. “God, why? Why’s my life such a wreck? Why does everything come the hard way for me?” He answered - with only His Presence, His embrace, and that’s enough for me. “I wish You, Jesus, could just hold me all day long. I just want to hear Your heartbeat and never leave Your chest. May my heart beat with Yours. Change me and give me Your tenderness and compassion. Heal my broken heart and please never let me go.”
Monday, October 21, 2013
Hold your head up, You are His delight.
"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible — and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” Ephesians 5:8-13
I'd read this verse, "It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret." and I'd hear, "You are disobedient, out of control. If people really knew who you are - how you turn to food for comfort and throw up, how you get frustrated at your kids, how you don't REALLY love people - they would reject you and God rejects you. You can't get to God because you'll never get it right and God isn't fooled." I would sink in a pit - feeling condemned, unworthy, and hopeless. Shame kept me in hiding, terrified of punishment. I begged God for help and forgiveness, feeling so guilty that I kept disappointing Him. I didn't know His love, thinking I was too messed up to receive it. I tried so hard to do "what pleases the Lord" in my own strength, but I would fall again and again and be so ashamed. I could never measure up.
As I was listening to 'Worthy is the Lamb', the line "bearing all my sin & SHAME, in love He came..." rung loud and clear in my ears and my heart. Jesus took my shame! God knew that I would never be good enough - I had no hope of ever even being close. So He provided a way, because He wants to be close to ME! Because of Him, I am whole and 'enough as I am'. So I never have to fear the Light again. When I am afraid and want to hide, Jesus whispers softly in my ear, "Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matt 11:28-30
I just say, "Yes, Lord Jesus, take me with You. I want to walk with You. I want to be close to You" And we walk together. He watches as I skip and dance and fall and totally look a fool, but He just smiles and helps me up again and again. When I lose my way, He brings me back. He never scolds me, just gently leads me. He is pleased with my company and looks at me with delight, I'm His girl!
His Voice is gentle and kind, unlike the Enemy's. So when Scripture is twisted to make me feel guilty and hopeless, I know that is NOT My Savior, My Redeemer. That is the Enemy and I don't have to play his blame/shame game. I just come boldly into the Light and Darkness flees. The Light removes my shame and guilt, it heals and redeems, and makes me new, alive, and radiant. So even when I fall, I do not have to live under the weight of shame, all I have to do is come into the Light to be healed and loved again. Truly, "What pleases the Lord", is an honest, open heart.
"I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame."
Psalm 34:4,5
I'd read this verse, "It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret." and I'd hear, "You are disobedient, out of control. If people really knew who you are - how you turn to food for comfort and throw up, how you get frustrated at your kids, how you don't REALLY love people - they would reject you and God rejects you. You can't get to God because you'll never get it right and God isn't fooled." I would sink in a pit - feeling condemned, unworthy, and hopeless. Shame kept me in hiding, terrified of punishment. I begged God for help and forgiveness, feeling so guilty that I kept disappointing Him. I didn't know His love, thinking I was too messed up to receive it. I tried so hard to do "what pleases the Lord" in my own strength, but I would fall again and again and be so ashamed. I could never measure up.
As I was listening to 'Worthy is the Lamb', the line "bearing all my sin & SHAME, in love He came..." rung loud and clear in my ears and my heart. Jesus took my shame! God knew that I would never be good enough - I had no hope of ever even being close. So He provided a way, because He wants to be close to ME! Because of Him, I am whole and 'enough as I am'. So I never have to fear the Light again. When I am afraid and want to hide, Jesus whispers softly in my ear, "Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matt 11:28-30
I just say, "Yes, Lord Jesus, take me with You. I want to walk with You. I want to be close to You" And we walk together. He watches as I skip and dance and fall and totally look a fool, but He just smiles and helps me up again and again. When I lose my way, He brings me back. He never scolds me, just gently leads me. He is pleased with my company and looks at me with delight, I'm His girl!
His Voice is gentle and kind, unlike the Enemy's. So when Scripture is twisted to make me feel guilty and hopeless, I know that is NOT My Savior, My Redeemer. That is the Enemy and I don't have to play his blame/shame game. I just come boldly into the Light and Darkness flees. The Light removes my shame and guilt, it heals and redeems, and makes me new, alive, and radiant. So even when I fall, I do not have to live under the weight of shame, all I have to do is come into the Light to be healed and loved again. Truly, "What pleases the Lord", is an honest, open heart.
"I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame."
Psalm 34:4,5
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Just crumbs
Before I type even one word, I feel like I need a big disclaimer on the whole thing saying, "Sorry, I'm not a good writer. Please pretend I'm in third grade." And this has been my mindset for everything - NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. And it paralyzes me, inhibiting me from just being ME and believing that I AM ENOUGH. I have lived under the weight of shame for so long, and it's kept me a slave. Afraid to speak, to move, to just be - ME - unedited, as I am.
While I may only have a few messy crumbs to share, I can only give what I have - and I'm willing to do that. The first thought that came to mind when I actually entertained the possibility of ME - writing something - to share on 'bread' was "Do not eat the bread of idleness." Because I have based my life on 'do more, try harder', be a winner, always give 110%, be sold-out. And so when I would learn a 'better, healthier, more economical, fail-proof' way, I'd go head-long to implement it. I felt like I 'should' do whatever it takes to be the best mom, wife, friend, person I could be - all in the guise of 'being whole-hearted for God.' But really I was just trying to prove to myself that I was worth it - that my life was valuable. And all I really wanted was to be loved - so I tried so hard to earn approval from people and God.
My checklist just kept growing as I found the so-called best way to live:
Make bread from fresh-ground wheat berries to obtain all the health benefits - check.
Cloth diapers to save money and avoid all those chemicals on my precious baby's bottoms - check.
Have lots of babies so to not refuse any of God's gifts and trust Him completely - check.
Have a garden and grow my own food - check.
Home-school and train up my kids just right - check.
Eat healthy and avoid all processed foods with additives and chemicals - check.
Make everything by scratch - check.
Workout and have a good body for my man - check.
Read the Bible and pray everyday - check.
Serve people - check.
While for a time I was able to somehow 'do' my list, it became more and more impossible with four small children, a husband drowning in work, and a support system lost. I hit the wall - and I hit it hard. I was left with nothing but the bread of exhaustion. And I sunk deeper and deeper into depression. I was a failure. I was out of control. I was unworthy of love. Life was too hard - I just didn't have what it takes to make it.
Getting up in the morning became hard, and the thought of another day dreadful. I could barely do the minimum. Though I maintained a somewhat normal appearance, I knew I was dying and my hope had failed. I wanted to disappear - wishing my life away. Why did God make me anyways? Why did He give me impossible commands? Why did He allow me to get hurt and leave me? Where was He? I was mad at Him and blamed myself too.
But somewhere in that pit, He reached down and touched me. He didn't scold me for failing, in fact He didn't even see me as a failure. He called me beloved, daughter, fully loved JUST AS I AM. I didn't have to prove my worth - He proved it already by sending His Son to die for ME. He wants me even when my life is a crumbled mess. I don't have to earn it, I am loved as I am, not as I 'should' be - and I belong. As I learn to walk in Him, He gently leads me - not to 'do more, try harder', but to rest in what He already did. And I let Him make me who He created me to be.
While I may only have a few messy crumbs to share, I can only give what I have - and I'm willing to do that. The first thought that came to mind when I actually entertained the possibility of ME - writing something - to share on 'bread' was "Do not eat the bread of idleness." Because I have based my life on 'do more, try harder', be a winner, always give 110%, be sold-out. And so when I would learn a 'better, healthier, more economical, fail-proof' way, I'd go head-long to implement it. I felt like I 'should' do whatever it takes to be the best mom, wife, friend, person I could be - all in the guise of 'being whole-hearted for God.' But really I was just trying to prove to myself that I was worth it - that my life was valuable. And all I really wanted was to be loved - so I tried so hard to earn approval from people and God.
My checklist just kept growing as I found the so-called best way to live:
Make bread from fresh-ground wheat berries to obtain all the health benefits - check.
Cloth diapers to save money and avoid all those chemicals on my precious baby's bottoms - check.
Have lots of babies so to not refuse any of God's gifts and trust Him completely - check.
Have a garden and grow my own food - check.
Home-school and train up my kids just right - check.
Eat healthy and avoid all processed foods with additives and chemicals - check.
Make everything by scratch - check.
Workout and have a good body for my man - check.
Read the Bible and pray everyday - check.
Serve people - check.
While for a time I was able to somehow 'do' my list, it became more and more impossible with four small children, a husband drowning in work, and a support system lost. I hit the wall - and I hit it hard. I was left with nothing but the bread of exhaustion. And I sunk deeper and deeper into depression. I was a failure. I was out of control. I was unworthy of love. Life was too hard - I just didn't have what it takes to make it.
Getting up in the morning became hard, and the thought of another day dreadful. I could barely do the minimum. Though I maintained a somewhat normal appearance, I knew I was dying and my hope had failed. I wanted to disappear - wishing my life away. Why did God make me anyways? Why did He give me impossible commands? Why did He allow me to get hurt and leave me? Where was He? I was mad at Him and blamed myself too.
But somewhere in that pit, He reached down and touched me. He didn't scold me for failing, in fact He didn't even see me as a failure. He called me beloved, daughter, fully loved JUST AS I AM. I didn't have to prove my worth - He proved it already by sending His Son to die for ME. He wants me even when my life is a crumbled mess. I don't have to earn it, I am loved as I am, not as I 'should' be - and I belong. As I learn to walk in Him, He gently leads me - not to 'do more, try harder', but to rest in what He already did. And I let Him make me who He created me to be.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Trust is won.
A dear sweet young friend stopped by after school. Her presence always warms me. I feel her brokenness, yet her eyes radiate with excitement. She can't wait to tell me about the horse she is on her way to rescue. Horses have been her haven and there's something magnificent in the way she knows them and wins their trust. I'm always in awe of her softness and strength. Her love in the midst of hardships most people never have to know. She was adopted by her great grandparents, the only family she's had. And in their age, they could only take care of her for so long. Her mom passed away with cancer a few years ago and her dad is weak and struggling with cancer now. So she's had to find friends or neighbors to take her in. Yet, she always comes with a smile and real embrace. Though deep she hurts, she's making it. And I see her.
Curious, I asked her how she goes about breaking a horse that has never been ridden. And oh, she overflowed as she told me. She said the ones she rescues take a lot more time because they have been abused. It takes months of daily interaction to win their trust. Though it's a slow process that takes a lot of patience, she sees the potential in the horse and values his life. Her belief that the horse will yield his fears and learn to trust possibly for the first time keeps her going day after day. So she tirelessly works with the horse, at first only with her presence and reassuring words, then after time, gentle touch. She said there comes a time when she has a sense that the horse is ready to be won over. It's just an intuition that comes when the horse comes running towards her when she calls his name, enjoying her presence and touch. She then leads him to the middle of a pond. And in the middle of the pond, she gets on his back and rides him out. After that, the horse is broken and will let her ride him. They have bonded. Trust is formed.
This encouraged me so. Because trust is hard for me. I've been abused and hurt too many times by the ones who were supposed to protect, and I don't want to let anyone come close to me again. But living so shielded is desperately lonely, unloved, and unknown. And really I long for connection. I long for Love. And God is oh so patient with me, and gentle. He's in no hurry. He finds me day after day, whispering Love Songs in my ear, and as I hear His heartbeat, I let Him come closer. I let Him touch me where it hurts. I let Him lead me gently into the waters. And I let Him in my heart and welcome Him as my Master. He doesn't demand my trust, He earns it with His endless love. Even when I am a broken mess, unwanted, used and tossed away, He sees me as worth it. As valuable. And He persistently shows me He isn't giving up on me, He isn't leaving, He isn't going to stop loving me. Patiently, He waits till I respond to Him. And we're bonded in Love. Trust is formed.
Curious, I asked her how she goes about breaking a horse that has never been ridden. And oh, she overflowed as she told me. She said the ones she rescues take a lot more time because they have been abused. It takes months of daily interaction to win their trust. Though it's a slow process that takes a lot of patience, she sees the potential in the horse and values his life. Her belief that the horse will yield his fears and learn to trust possibly for the first time keeps her going day after day. So she tirelessly works with the horse, at first only with her presence and reassuring words, then after time, gentle touch. She said there comes a time when she has a sense that the horse is ready to be won over. It's just an intuition that comes when the horse comes running towards her when she calls his name, enjoying her presence and touch. She then leads him to the middle of a pond. And in the middle of the pond, she gets on his back and rides him out. After that, the horse is broken and will let her ride him. They have bonded. Trust is formed.
This encouraged me so. Because trust is hard for me. I've been abused and hurt too many times by the ones who were supposed to protect, and I don't want to let anyone come close to me again. But living so shielded is desperately lonely, unloved, and unknown. And really I long for connection. I long for Love. And God is oh so patient with me, and gentle. He's in no hurry. He finds me day after day, whispering Love Songs in my ear, and as I hear His heartbeat, I let Him come closer. I let Him touch me where it hurts. I let Him lead me gently into the waters. And I let Him in my heart and welcome Him as my Master. He doesn't demand my trust, He earns it with His endless love. Even when I am a broken mess, unwanted, used and tossed away, He sees me as worth it. As valuable. And He persistently shows me He isn't giving up on me, He isn't leaving, He isn't going to stop loving me. Patiently, He waits till I respond to Him. And we're bonded in Love. Trust is formed.
Pursued
Just as I'm about to fasten the diaper, he jets, streaking across the living room into another room waiting in eager expectation for my pursuit. As I call his name, all I hear is giggles, knowing his mommy's gonna 'get him' and he can't hold in his excitement. He doesn't expect me to punish him, he awaits my smile and kisses and tickles. And he loves every moment of this, and so do I.
As he warms my heart, in the back of my mind, I beat myself up, thinking, I'm doing a bad job with my kids and can't even get them to obey me. But then I think, NO! This is a much better way; it is Love. He is secure in my love for him even when he's being a bit ornery. He knows I delight in him no matter what his actions are. My nearness is his good and he awaits in suspense my pursuit of him even in his nakedness. He has no shame; he knows he is loved just as he is and he anticipates my delightful embrace, clothing him again. Cause in being pursued, we feel loved. And God's pursuit for us is relentless, even when we are hiding, ashamed and insecure, He wins us over in Love. And His nearness is our good and He delights in us as we are.
As he warms my heart, in the back of my mind, I beat myself up, thinking, I'm doing a bad job with my kids and can't even get them to obey me. But then I think, NO! This is a much better way; it is Love. He is secure in my love for him even when he's being a bit ornery. He knows I delight in him no matter what his actions are. My nearness is his good and he awaits in suspense my pursuit of him even in his nakedness. He has no shame; he knows he is loved just as he is and he anticipates my delightful embrace, clothing him again. Cause in being pursued, we feel loved. And God's pursuit for us is relentless, even when we are hiding, ashamed and insecure, He wins us over in Love. And His nearness is our good and He delights in us as we are.
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