I was running, gasping for air, afraid, hurt, and alone. No where to go or hide, but running away from it all. Life was too hard and too scary and I just couldn't handle it. I've been running since I was eleven. And when I couldn't run anymore, I had to go back to the confusion and pain; there was no escape. So I'd cry at night, so afraid and alone. I would never show it. Too much shame like it was my fault, I was not good enough and unworthy.
I tried harder to be better and earn love and acceptance. I worked very hard but any accomplishment meant nothing to me. I longed to be loved and free. And I kept running. And the loneliness sunk deep, the hurt buried far beneath the surface to cover any traces of who I really was, and my fears weighing me down, paralyzing.
Who knew? Who cared? What was love? I was longing for it, but could never reach it. I wanted to believe, but then doubts and fears would flood my vision. I was lost, rejected, and undone. Running for my life.
After a long time, I knew that I was being pursued. Was it love? Could I trust? I was unlovable. No one knew me, how could I be loved? So I ran away afraid to be torn apart. I couldn't handle any more pain - I already was dying. But He caught me and held me tight. I fought Him hard, so angry, hurt, and afraid. And He whispered gently, "I love you. You are safe with me. I won't hurt you. You are Mine." And slowly my defenses weakened, and I let myself be seen and held- captured in His embrace, enveloped in His love, and I was changed.