“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” Brennan Manning

Wednesday, July 10, 2013


I was running, gasping for air, afraid, hurt, and alone. No where to go or hide, but running away from it all. Life was too hard and too scary and I just couldn't handle it. I've been running since I was eleven. And when I couldn't run anymore, I had to go back to the confusion and pain; there was no escape. So I'd cry at night, so afraid and alone. I would never show it. Too much shame like it was my fault, I was not good enough and unworthy.

I tried harder to be better and earn love and acceptance. I worked very hard but any accomplishment meant nothing to me. I longed to be loved and free. And I kept running. And the loneliness sunk deep, the hurt buried far beneath the surface to cover any traces of who I really was, and my fears weighing me down, paralyzing.

Who knew? Who cared? What was love? I was longing for it, but could never reach it. I wanted to believe, but then doubts and fears would flood my vision. I was lost, rejected, and undone. Running for my life.

After a long time, I knew that I was being pursued. Was it love? Could I trust? I was unlovable. No one knew me, how could I be loved? So I ran away afraid to be torn apart. I couldn't handle any more pain - I already was dying. But He caught me and held me tight. I fought Him hard, so angry, hurt, and afraid. And He whispered gently, "I love you. You are safe with me. I won't hurt you. You are Mine." And slowly my defenses weakened, and I let myself be seen and held- captured in His embrace, enveloped in His love, and I was changed.


  1. "And after a long time, I knew that I was being pursued. Was it love? Could I trust?"

    that, my friend, is the difference between a believer and an unbeliever. they both feel the pursuer nipping at their ankles, but one chooses to believe He is good and He is love and the other, well, doesn't. the other turns away, runs faster, or lashes out - but it's all because of FEAR. he fears the one who loves him the most.

    such a sweet description of a life being caught up in grace. thank you, Paula.

  2. oh, and i should have said - both the believer and the unbeliever live in this skin.

    but TODAY i will choose to believe He is good. and that love wins.