Looking back, it seemed like I was doing better when I was back in slavery. I obeyed the rules, worked hard, had my 'food' given to me at the proper times, and was acknowledged as a good submissive wife and caring mother. I was outwardly a happy, obedient girl that didn't question the commands. I lived to please and somehow was able to feel like this was my purpose.
But God has bigger aspirations for me. He doesn't want me to rely on man's ideas and rules in order to win love and acceptance. He wants me to trust Him. Before, I was strong and confident, willing to work hard for others. Now, I'm faltering, weak, and broken. Barely able to stand and walk. Just a beggar crying out for mercy from my loving Father who is teaching me to depend on Him, not rules, my own strength, or man. Just Him. And it's much scarier this freedom is. I don't know the way and I can't see ahead. But I'm learning to hear His Voice even in the dark, “This is the Way, walk ye in it.” And I'm taking steps of faith and I'm falling again and again. But never without the reassurance to get back up, hearing, “it's okay, you are getting stronger.” This road is uncertain and changing, but my Guide is constant, unchanging, unfaltering, strong, and trustworthy. He is leading me on.
And I remember the words of a friend, “Let my people go that they may worship me!” A call that still rises for those who would choose the free and wild. There is no going back, though we may have times when we crave the leeks and garlic somethin' fierce.” Though some days, all I feel is that gut-wrenching feeling; grief. Feeling the loss of how I perceived my life, and then the realization that I was under the illusion of freedom which really kept me a slave. But this little butterfly is struggling to break out of this cocoon. And the struggle is necessary to build the strength to fly. And I want to fly- wild and FREE!