“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” Brennan Manning

Sunday, November 3, 2013

I Need Help

I need help. Those are hard words to admit. I've worked so hard to be strong, show little weakness, always be positive - abounding. I was careful to not be a burden - neglecting my own needs in order to make sure everyone else was happy. If they were happy, then I was doing a good job - and they would like me, right? However, I never felt secure - who would like ME for ME? If I can please you or help you, then maybe you'll see me as worth it and you won’t leave me. But if I fail; then, what’s the point of me?

Living in this place kept me afraid - afraid of rejection and failure - never good enough. It kept me always straining, never attaining. My strength was a mirage - looking together on the outside. But hidden safely within was a little girl - longing to be seen and heard - loved. She wanted to be free to dance and sing, to create and play. Carefree. Without a thought of who’s looking. But, she was too afraid to come out - the risk was too great, still remembering the hurt she hides. So she settles in the safety of good behavior and performing for acceptance - squelching any creativity or expression of her real self.

Beneath her layers of pretense and blankets of denial, there was One who knew her. He knew her all along. He hadn't forgotten or abandoned her. She was never beyond His reach. Her Maker saw her - when no one else could. He heard the cries of her broken heart. He loved her - every piece. And He whispers, "My Child, you can come out now. You are safe. You are Mine. You are fully loved just as you are - I adopted you."

Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.
Psalm 139:12-16

Though now I know my Abba is very fond of me, I still struggle with the same old doubts and fears. Though my perceptions do not change the reality that I am free and loved, walking in this truth takes practice. When faced with obstacles, it's easy to retreat instead of taking another step. Falling is painful, and getting back up is hard. What I've realized is that I wasn't created to walk alone; I need help. But I don’t want to need help. I don’t want to take time. I don’t want to reach out and ask. I still struggle with the thought: Am I worth it? There’s so many pieces - how will I ever be put back together? Won’t people get sick of me - disappointed, lose patience, reject me? What if I take a lot of time? What if I keep falling again and again? What if I’m slow? Will you stay with me? Will you still love me? I’m afraid to let you see the real me, afraid you won't like what you see, and you'll leave. Please don’t leave me. I promise I’ll try. I need you.

In my desperation, my Sweet Jesus comes to me, and whispers gently, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not fret, I will not hurt you. I will provide for all of your needs. Rest, my precious Child, you are loved.” His Voice calms me and peace rushes through me like refreshing waters. I am comforted and strengthened in His embrace with courage to just be - unedited me - alive in My Redeemer.

15 comments:

  1. Paula, you give words to the unspoken fears that are just below the surface of our lives. But you also give evidence that our God is a God who means what he says, and that Jesus loves us not because we 'do more and try harder' but because he is insistent that Redemption will win.

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    1. This comment pretty much says it all. I echo his sentiment, dear Paula.

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    2. Thank you, dear Kelli and Dave. You guys bless me like crazy! Thank you for being here for me and encouraging me so so much!

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  2. Paula, I am linked up after you over at Laura's blog... and I am so thankful that I am because I am actually leading an online Bible study that is looking at Psalm 139 this week. Obviously, God must want me to share your post with my friends...

    I love it when God makes appointments for me on Mondays (without my even knowing it!).

    Blessings to you! :)

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    1. That's awesome, Lyli! I love the way God orchestrates the events and connections in our lives. Thank you for your encouragement! May Psalm 139 sink in past our heads into our hearts through the Love of the Spirit. Blessing to you too!

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  3. Those are such hard words for me to say too. I want to think I can do it myself (even though I sound like a 2-yr-old when I say it). But we were made for community. Just as the Father, Son, and Spirit work in harmony, so he wants us to do likewise.

    Thanks for being vulnerable here.

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    1. Thanks Lisa! You're so right, somehow it seems right to say, "me do." When our Help is there all along and He provides people to walk with us too. It's so worth asking for help, and I'm thankful He's taken me to a place where I can't stand on my own.

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  4. Oh, falling is painful, Paula. And getting up IS hard. Bless you for doing the hard work. Bless you for sharing so openly and with such compassion. You bless when you give this way. I'm grateful to "meet" you and so glad you joined the Playdates with God community this week :)

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    1. Thank you Laura for sharing your link-up. And I'm so glad to "meet" you too! Kelli is our connection. :) Thank you for your gracious words!

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  5. "Falling is painful, and getting back up is hard." Oh I know this well, Paula, I do. Just know that you are not walking alone -- you are with Jesus, yes, but also with so many of us who are walking and falling and getting up again alongside you. Peace, friend.

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    1. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by Love and encouragement. Your words strengthen my heart - bringing healing. I'm thankful God is showing me that I'm not alone. Thanks for being here, Michelle.

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  6. Dear Paula
    Oh, that sense of insecurity and shame makes such terrible inroads into our minds and when we come to Jesus it takes some time for Him to renew our minds with
    His grace. But we learn to better and better discern these lies. Remember we are living in the Victorious One.
    Blessings XX
    Mia

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    1. Yes Mia, I wish I could just change the way I think overnight. But, you are so right - "it takes time for Him to renew our minds with His grace." I am thankful He is helping me to recognize the lies and remember that they aren't true - we are free in Him. Thank you for your encouragement, Mia.

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  7. "He loved her - every piece." Yes, Paula, HE does. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart~ we all tremble in this way and have to be reminded of the TRUTH of who we are in Christ. Blessings, Amy

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    1. So true, we do have to be reminded of the TRUTH of who we are in Christ each day. Thanks for your sweet words, Amy.

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