“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” Brennan Manning

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Letting Go

Dear Dad,

It’s hard to just let you go, but the reality is that our relationship was never built on love and trust.  I have tried my whole life to earn your love and approval, but you couldn’t give me something that you didn’t have.  I forgive you for that.

I don’t know all that you experienced as a child growing up and I can’t explain the choices you made once you married my mom.  I don’t know why you weren’t faithful and didn’t value us, but chose to chase after deviance and deceit.  I know how I felt: unloved and unwanted.

I don’t understand why you hurt me or mom or our family.  I wanted to believe you were nice and that you loved us.  I have good memories with you, but so many times you turned on me.  You would make me feel guilty for your struggles and anger like everything was my fault. I tried to make you happy and fix our family, but your own words tell your true feelings towards me, “Paula, you have been a bad daughter and I have been a good dad.”  All I can say is that I tried my whole life to please you, and I was never good enough.  I can’t keep sacrificing myself for you.  I belong to Jesus now and He has set me free from having to please others for approval. He accepts me as I am.

After you hurt us, you would try to make up for it by gifts or making us feel bad for you, but we were never allowed to acknowledge that you hurt us.  You never would admit you were wrong or say you're sorry.  And if you said you’re sorry, it was only to get what you wanted.  I forgive you for manipulating me, but I will not continue this pattern with you.

Even though you may never be able to see or recognize the ways you hurt me, I am letting that pain go. I pray that God will give you light.  I forgive you for being manipulative and only seeing your own needs.  I forgive you for hurting me and our family.  I forgive you for raping my innocence and calling it love.  I forgive you for not loving me because you couldn't give me something you didn't have.

I pray that you will desire to walk in truth and light and that God will have mercy on you.  God is my Daddy and I belong to Him.  I choose to walk in the light and not deny the truth any longer.  I am not going to let other people control my life anymore.  I am God’s and He will protect me and keep me safe.

What Satan meant for evil, God works to good.  There is always Hope to turn to God and I pray that you do.

In true love,

Paula

8 comments:

  1. Oh Paula ... this, such a sacred conversation. I feel honored that you would share these heart words with us.

    Healing blessings for you, for yours.

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    1. Your words touched me - deep. Thank you for reading, Linda.

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  2. Your words. Your heart. Your story, Paula. They are all a testimony of grace. A bright light that pierces the darkness and cannot help but illuminate the rest of us by its beauty. Because the courage to embrace your story -- and then share it -- is one of the most beautiful things I know. And by it, you make the rest of us more courageous, too. I am so grateful that God's deep and infinite love for you has become so real in your life that you can forgive and let go. I am beyond confident that God will continue to use it to bring blessing to you and countless others. I know it must have been hard to push "publish" on this post. But I'm so very glad you did.

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    1. It just makes me cry that you read this and see beauty in it. It was so hard to publish and I almost just deleted it - wanting to hide and feeling sad. Thank you for encouraging me so much. I am so grateful for God's deep and infinite love too - that He is different than the "love" I knew. Thank you, Beth!

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  3. Paula, the guts it took to write this and bare your heart and journey... the heartbreak I cannot even know that lies behind the words you speak, born out of experience, I honor you. I hear you, friend, and your voice is a powerful kind of beautiful. Thank you. Please, keep sharing. You cannot know how your words settle into another's heart and plant seeds of hope.

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    1. Wow! Thank you for reading this, Amber! I can't tell you what it means to me to be heard and seen - all I can say is it just makes me cry. Thank you for your uplifting words. I know that shame holds me back so often, but Jesus took our shame so I can just keep going to Him and letting Him be the lifter of my head. You really bless me. Thank you, Amber. <3

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  4. Thankyou for sharing this, Paula. I've been unraveling new lawyers of my own journey this week and sigh. it is painful the way new corners and angles keep popping up, but the pain keeps reminding me that God isn't finished yet and that, always, is good news. I'm so sorry for the loss of your childhood, for the pain you bore as a daughter and I'm so grateful for the grace and healing God is leading you into. May you be blessed, Paula and I'm so glad you're connecting with Unforced Rhythms.

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    1. Thank you, Kelly. It is painful as the layers unravel, but you're right, it means that God isn't finished yet and that is good news. Thank you for reading and your love.

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